Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
