Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
