He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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