I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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