i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
