I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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