When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
