but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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