i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
