yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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