cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize