I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
