Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Randomize
