I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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