update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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