can we get nightvision for the apartment?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
