I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
