Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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