am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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