summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
