Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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