You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
