My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i need an iv and a liver transplant
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I could have mohawked her pubes.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
