It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize