Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
