Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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