Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
