I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
