So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
