you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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