Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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