i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
