I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Randomize
