I intend to get homeless drunk
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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