Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
