I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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