He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
