i need an iv and a liver transplant
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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