I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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