my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
