i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
