I wish my penis had an off switch
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
