he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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