Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
