nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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