ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
how does that bad decision feel?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
