Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
