I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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