It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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