seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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