There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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