i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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