I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
