oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
