I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
