so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
