I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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