Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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