I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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