If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
