we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
We need to get me chipped asap
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
