She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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