I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
