No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
