last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I think I just sharted jello shots
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
