people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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