I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize